KSHS Bible 2001

This is an extract from the Kirwan State High School Discussion Forum that was published in 2001, my high school graduating year. It contains mostly nonsense, in-jokes and just plain silliness, its reason for being republished was at the request of my fellow students. If you’re not one of those students, I’d recommend you don’t waste your time and stop reading now!

Matthew.Lee
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:00 PM
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In the begining the world was as a boiling mass of giant cows. The world was engulfed in bitter caos and life was doomed until the coming of Pi. Pi the almighty god above came unto this hellish world and made it in his image. That of the circle. The almighty cows and tigers and apes came down and laid their seeds upon the ground where they could flourish into perfection.
Almighty Pi basked in his newfound land and all that was held within. The land rejoiced in his name and all was peaceful. The creatures of the land grew in Pi’s careful grooming and became almighty powerful beasts in their own right. They became restless as the lands soon became too small to hold the great power that ran through their veins.

Suddenly all hellfire broke loose and the great demon Nemesis came upon this caotic realm. It was then that time as we know it began.

quote:
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Book of MattyLee (01:01)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:09 PM
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In the time of Nemesis, the great cows lions and apes became jeleous of the power of the almighty pi. His forever recouring decimals were the envy of the known universe. It was then that the ever deceitfull snake, snake reared its ugly head.
The snake came to the cow’s and told them of the sacred cheesecake. This was the only item in the universe that the almighty pi had forbidden the creatures to eat. The snake told the creatures that the sacred cheesecake held the power to make them as powerfull as the mighty pi.

The cow’s moved to the centre of the universe and there they found the cheesecake shop. The cow’s filled their bellies with the sacred Bavarian cheesecake and the difference between good and evil was revealed. They realised their nakedness and covered their udders in shame.

quote:
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Book of Scott (01:01)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:11 PM
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Time began it’s stately journey in an efoort to stem the evil tide overpowering all that Pi had toiled to create. He came in a great arc from beyond the most distant stars to protect and repair what the prime evil Nemesis had done.
It was through time that the world came to what was know as The Battle. In his desperate efforts to spare the world Time challenged Nemesis to a battle of enormous proportions. Pi and Nemesis brought their favourite creatures from across the stars to prepare for the battle.

Over many aeons they groomed and trained their peoples and they perfected them into what became The Soccerfreaks and The Gazebians. They toiled for ages upon end and when all was in preparation the battle began.

quote:
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Book of MattyLee (01:02)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:12 PM
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The world was in chaos, and there was no order. Then Pi came and proclaimed all cows the rulers of the land, and the cows ruled over the tigers and the apes, and all was perfect and happy. The world was basked in the goodness of Pi, and the cows were just and Mooed. But Pi was too perfect, and it was discovered that it never ended. No matter how long the cows embraced Pi, it just never ended.
Eventually the lands could not contain the perfection of Pi, and the cows began to lose their power. The land began to overflow with the power of Pi, and soon the cows became evil and corrupt. They forgot the power of Pi, and the world was not happy.

Then came Nemesis the frog. And with him he brought the power of the Abyss . . . only one power could possibly stop him . . . the CHEESECAKES.

quote:
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Book of Paul (01:01)
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Michael.Unwin
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:18 PM
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mojo is good

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from book of mojo 11:12
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. . . and mojo did come, and helped the gazebians defeat the soccerfreaks . . .

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from the book of Paul
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[This message has been edited by Paul.Rubin (edited 11-04-2001).]

Matthew.Lee
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:26 PM
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The great battle was a spectacle to behold. The supreme powers from both sides of good and evil, yin and yan, black and white were present to aid their forces. Magic filled the field as endless souls were wrought from their bodies to fullfill the lust of Nemesis and Pi. The suffering filled the world and demons were born from rock, and evil spewed forth from deep beneath the surface of this world. Where all was good, now all was EVIL.
This was the birth of Footballers.

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Book of MattyLee (01:03)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:29 PM
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All were unhappy, the cows corrupted, pi forgotten and the chatoic abyssal frogs had seized the land. The corrupted cows who had grown horny and fat realised they needed something divine in order to defeat the frogs, and undertook a quest to achieve find the power of the Cheesecakes, and rediscover Pi. But the frogs continued to create chaos across the land, and many were sent into the evil that was the ABYSS.
The cows challenged the Nemesis and the frogs meant them in The Battle. But the cows were just too fat, and were unable to stop the evil frogs, and many of them fell into the abyss.

The cows were forced in desperation to gather their forces, and thus summoned The Gazebians. However the frogs summoned their own forces, who became known as The Soccer Freaks and they prepared to exterminate the cows.

quote:
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Book of Paul (01:02)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:29 PM
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The Gazebians and the Soccer freaks were in great turmoil as battles were waged across the land. Neither was able to gain the upper hand. The Gazebians lost faith in the all powerful pi and began worshipping the false idol of Tangent. pi was angered and sought to return the gazebians to the path of the rightious.
And he sent his son. The one with great Mojo to guide those who once walked the path through the battle with the dark forces known as the soccer freaks.

quote:
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Book of Scott (01:02)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:35 PM
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Mere words could not describe the battle that followed. The Gazebians fought valiantly against The Soccerfreaks and the forces of the abyssal frogs clashed with the power of pi. Then the cows returned from the quest, and even though they were unable to relearn the power of Pi, they had discovered The Cheesecakes and the power they wielded with them was great indeed.
The epic battle continued for eons and eons, and then for some more eons, and neither side could gain an advantage. Only with the power of The Cheesecakes could the cows hold off the frogs. But then the frogs summoned the demonic power of tangent and there was much death and decay. The cows founght valiantly in the name of the forgotten Pi, but then out of the abyss, the Footballers were spawned . . .

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The Book of Paul (01:03)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:38 PM
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It was in this time that the all powerful Time was called upon to restore the world. Something was needed to render the damage of Nemesis and Pi obsolete. Time pondered this for many a day in his place of abode until on the seventh day he did decide the course of action which would ultimately bring either peace or eternal damnation upon the world.
In desparation Time gave to the world his only begotten son, Mojo. Mojo came to the world by the virgin Rikki and the carpenter Gilli who raised Mojo as their own son. Mojo grew into a handsome man who was burdened with the fate of the world.

When Mojo came to adulthood he left his abode and flew into the world with a great vengeance. Dispensing the justice of Time upon all who did deserve. Good was wrought from evil and all that was destroyed was made right again.

Mojo preached his ten commandment to all who would listen and his following grew as the truth of his ways revealed itself unto his disbelievers. It was through the ten commandments the good became powerful once more.

quote:
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Book of MattyLee (01:04)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:46 PM
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Much was obliterated, and almost all was lost. But then then the greatest God of all came, and he was above all, even Pi and the Nemesis frogs. His name was unnamable and thus he was not named (except in The Book of Matty, scorn his nut covered chessecakes).
Then the Mojo came and he returned the knowledge of all things good in the name of Pi. The Battle was ended and Mojo journeyed across the land and brought THE TEN COMMANDMENTS . . .

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The Book of Paul (01:04)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 11-04-2001 12:47 PM
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The ten commandments were the ultimate power of the universe:

Thou shalt drink beer.

Thou shalt eat cheesecakes.

Thou shalt not worship false beverages.

Thou shalt see the beauty of pi.

Thou shalt not covert thy gazebo.

Thou shalt play Black and White.

Thou shalt admire mullets.

Thou shalt bask in the glory of the bass player.

Thou shalt shout thou fellow gazebians cokes at lunch.

Thou shalt make daily offerings to the bush tucker man.

These are the commandments of the great god Time.

quote:
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Book of MattyLee (01:05)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 12-04-2001 10:30 AM
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The ten commandements were given by Mojo, and only in the book of Paul (not thy other evil books containing nut covered chessecakes) are they most accurate.

Thou shalt drink beer

Thou shalt eat only those cheesecakse containing no nuts

Thou shalt worship the beauty of pi

Thouh shalt not covet thy Gazebo

Thou shalt play Black and White

Thou shalt admire mullets

Thou shalt admire the glory of the bass player

Thou shalt shout thou fellow Gazebians cokes at lunch

Thou shalt make daily offerings to the bush tucker man

Thy pentagrams will be drawn starting only from the bottom left, then to the top and so forth

quote:
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Book of Paul (01:05)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:18 PM
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Mojo guided the gazebians through the times of great injustice and delivered upon them the word of the almighty pi. These were the laws that would allow entrance to the mighty kingdom of holiness and would protect the gazebians from wrongdoing. These rules were as follows

Thou shalt drink beer

Thou shalt keep on rocking in the free world

Thou shalt not covet thy gazebo

Thou shalt bask in the glory of the bass player

Thou shalt see the beauty of pi

Thou shalt do all in thy power to destroy those who endors commercialism

Thou shalt admire mullets

Thou shalt not worship false beverages

Thou shalt watch wwf and realise it is coriagraphed but is still damn good television viewing

Thou shalt purchase one or more The Kitchen C.D’s

These were the commandments handed to Mojo by pi. Obey these and you will walk through the gates into the high place.

quote:
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Book of Scott (01:03)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:18 PM
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In the beggining there was but one land. Pi created an oasis of purity on the land. This beautiful garden of plenty was to become known as the Garden of Prophecy. Pi did come unto this holy land and preach his word into the very trees that did populate it. It is by this means that he did spread the ways in which good was to prevail.
The trees did take in the knowledge and they did passeth it on to the whole world.

Pi did look upon this land that he had created as a haven for his good ways when he did see that all was not right. There is no good without evil and hence he did procure to create a form which could rule over the land and protect his ways from the evil that did already brew beneath the fervent surface.

It was then that Pi did bring forth the almighty Tiger to do his bidding upon his magical garden. The Tiger that was born of Pi himself was named Alzeroth in honour of Pi’s homeland. Alzeroth did run wild across the lands protecting all that did live therin.

Many years passed, 20 score by the counting, and Alzeroth grew tired. He was aged beyond counting and his time was expiring. This troubled Pi and he was forced into action.

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Book of MattyLee (02:01)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:28 PM
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Pi did suffer great pain when he discovered that his most beloved child was on his deathbed. He wept for three months and his tears did flow in a great tide toward the sea. Alas, through all his efforts Pi could not save his beloved Alzeroth from his death. On the day of his death all the world did darken into a dark that was unpiercable by the stongest light. This dark did lasteth for three score years until Pi finally lifted his sorrow from the pits of his sole and resolved to right the world to how it was before.
Pi forged from the bones of Alzeroth two new beasts of almighty power. The cow Ulkesh and the Ape Lister. These two creatures did roam the world as Alzeroth before them and did right the lands to the ways of Pi.

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Book of Matty (02:02)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:34 PM
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It was through these creatures that the world was ruled for many an aeon as Pi had empowered them with eternal life. The world was whole again.
After many a time the world had grown beyond the bounds of Pi’s intentions. His creatures grew restless and turned to the sides of evil. Nemesis converted the beasts and the great battle was foretold throughout the land.

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Book of MattyLee (02:03)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:34 PM
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The Mojo journeyed far and wide across the lands of Pi, and spread the word of cows and all things divine. He gathered around him 12 Gazebian Disciples and instructed them in the wisdom of Pi. These Disciples were as follows

Paul (his name be praised)

MattyLee (scorn is nut-covered chessecakes)

Scott (the mighty bass player)

Callus (the betrayer)

Shaun ( . . . )

Chuck (the Will Smith wannabe)

Jeff (Super-Sayin Level 2)

Lindsay (the false cheesecake)

Simon (the almighty guitarist)

Peter (the fisherman)

David (¿¿¿)

Rohan (the liar)

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Book of Paul (01:06)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:37 PM
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And the Mojo did proclaim, “All those who eat nut-covered cheesecakes shall be scorned.” And thus MattyLee was scorned by all.

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Book of Paul (01:07)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:40 PM
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The war against the soccer freaks had long since passed and Mojo had wandered throughout the land teaching those who would listen, about the glory of pi. However there was though who sought to destroy the works of Mojo and they plotted in secret to undermine his authority and send him to a fate worse then death. They had enlisted the help of one of the twelve disciples, Callus, and he had traded his saviours life for half a carton of crownies.
It was time before the death of the great Mojo, and the saviour of the gazebians gathered his disciples and took them to a place were Mojo would have his last feast.

He sat down and took a sip of his VB and said “this is my blood, I give unto you” He then drank the beer and handed it to his disciples. As they drank he said, When you drink remember me.

He again turned to his disciples and said, one of you has betrayed me, cough Callus cough, They all denied this fact and said they would never betray the great Mojo. He also said that one of you will deny that you ever know me three times.

The disciples again denied this and proclaimed that they would stay awake and protect their master. But they all passed out and Mojo was left to himself.

In a short time the student counciller arrived and accused Mojo of preaching false beverage to innocent minds. Callus awoke and sealed Mojo’s fate with a slap of his mighty “hand”.

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Book of Scott (01:04)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:43 PM
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When Pi was blessed with his notion to give his son Mojo to the world he was faced with a tribulation. How to present the world with his ultimate gift was a worry.
After much thought (and a few beers) Pi decided to give his son unto the carpenter Gilli and the virgin Rikki. It was on a dark night in the town of Mehelhteb when an angel brought Mojo to the carpenter Gilli. She came unto him in a dream and said “Master Gilli, you must drink of Pi’s beer for it has been foretold.” As Gilli was a devout follower of Pi’s ways he took it upon himself to follow his gods orders.

It was later that night as the moon made it’s crescendo in the sky that the Angels returned with the baby Mojo and gave him unto Rikki. It is to be noted that Gilli was extremely wasted after at least four cartons of VB. The angels came upon the pair and gave the baby to Rikki. And they said unto Gilli “Take Mojo as your own son, even though you have had no relation at all with Rikki ever take him as a son.” And it was so.

The angels left the family and travelled far across the land to spread the world of the Messiah’s coming. They said to ever man and women that met “Gilli scored with Rikki.”

The news spread even though it was a lie. Gilli was forced to deny the claims for eternity and ever after as they were definitely false.

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Book of MattyLee (03:01)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:51 PM
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As Mojo did roam upon the land he did collect around him those that he felt most dear to his heart. His most devout followers, the Twelve Apostles were his closest friends and he did disclose his most inner preachings upon their eager ears.
The Apostles were:

MattyLee (The most favourite disciple who did preach the word of Pi more viligantly that all others)

Paul (May his fruit cheesecake be the scorn of all the lands)

Scott (The one who did drink the most beer)

Callus (The betrayer of all)

Shaun (The one with extraneously large cranium)

Chuck (Wild,Wild West)

Jeff (The lawbringer)

Lindsay (Lord of jello-shooters)

Simon (The one who entertains)

Peter (The fisherman)

David (The Coulthard supporter)

Rohan (The giant)

These were the chosen twelve who did embody Mojo’s quest.

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Book of MattyLee (01:06)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 12-04-2001 02:53 PM
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The student counciller ordered the authorities to seize Mojo and take him to be councilled once a week for two terms to realise his false prophecy. Mojo stood firm and continued in the ways of pi, but only with the help of his two guardian angels. Leithal Morresie and the Mighty Lisial Kras. They comforted Mojo through his time of trial and kept him walking on the path of the rightious for Mojo’s time was not yet, but was coming ever closer.
The cousiller was angered by Mojo’s resistance and sent him to the ruler of the land Amandor Boughaneous, to be judged. Amandor could find no fault in the works of Mojo, but the people were falsely led to believe that he should be put to death. Amandor feared and uprising and in order to prevent a civil war, ordered the Mojo to be counsillarified.

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Book of Scott (01:05)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 16-04-2001 11:55 AM
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Before Pi, there was but chaos, and all was disorderly and square. With Pi came perfection and the land was blessed with delicious cheesecakes, and all was good.
Pi flowed throughout the land and created a manifestation of itself, a beautiful garden that could not be named, and hence it was unamed. It was named the Garden of Prohpecy.

The spirit of Pi flowed through and around it, and beneath it and above it, and below it and on top of it, and within it and outside it, and all was good. But Pi grew bored with the goodness and thus created Ulkesh, a noble cow who nutured and enriched the land with his mooing.

Much time passed with Ulkesh happy, but eventually he became weary, and grew old. The cow’s mortal coil began to close around him, and not even the power of Pi could save him from the inevitable.

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Book of Paul (02:01)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 16-04-2001 12:02 PM
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And thus it was that the noble cow fell, and a gloominess fell upon the land. The land did suffer greatly from the gloominess and Pi himself doubted his perfection.
Thus he decided to create two more beasts, with each more noble and perfect then Ulkesh, and yet not so, even though they possible were not without doubt more so then before.

However in the creation of the two new cows Pi did faulter and the creations were flawed. The first was a mighty cow, a reflection of Ulkesh yet even more perfect, but the second was . . . a frog.

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Book of Paul (02:02)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 16-04-2001 12:08 PM
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A frog . . . yes yes a frog . . .a frog . . .yes yes a frog . . . .A FROG! Pi sent his new perfect noble cow (that could not be named and hence he was not named) called (no really, he wasn’t named) to exterminate this new vile, chaotic, wretched, despicable, disgustingly grotesque, slimy, revolting, horribly naueating, filthy, but really quite attractive, frog.
And thus the unnamed cow did go to eliminate the frog . . . which was really quite grotesque, but at the same time not quite so as much as the previous one that didn’t exist . . . fools . . .

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Book of Paul (02:03)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 16-04-2001 12:18 PM
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And thus it was proclaimed by the mighty Mojo, through the power of Pi, “Thou Disciples shall write thy books, and thou books will make absolutely no sense at all, especially The Book of Paul (02:04), which will have some random and totally unassociated event inserted into it that has no bearing whatsoever on previous and forthcoming events that are in thy book,” and thus Paul made it so . . . and then the Mojo continued, “and all those who worship nut-covered cheesecakes shall be scorned by all,” and thus Matty was scorned by all, and then he said “all those who worship fruit-covered cheesecakes shall by praised by all,” and thus all who worshiped fruit-covered cheesecakes (they shall not be named, and Paul was among them) were praised . . . and Mojo was good.

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Book of Paul (02:04)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 17-04-2001 11:26 AM
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Pi did wring good out of evil and created logic as a subsidary side-issue. This was not his intent. This logic embodied evil and the maths of the square. The logic was illogical and made no sense. As such Pi attempted to make sense of the illogical logic. From this illogical waffle of inbred horbgorblers formed the passage in the Book of MattyLee(01:07)

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Book of MattyLee (01:07)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 17-04-2001 11:42 AM
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Pi was distraught. His beloved son’s most revered disciple, MattyLee’s account of the universe had been abhorringly destroyed by the havoc wreaking illogical logic. Pi fought against the logic but to no avail. The logic did manage to once again betray the good Book of MattyLee in the passage (01:08).
For I am the illogical king,
I am the illogical king.
Oh what a glorious thing it is to be a nonsensical illogical betrayed hangover from an era long past in the paleoithic age.

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Book of MattyLee (01:08)
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Scott.Wilkie
Student posted 17-04-2001 11:48 AM
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Through the logic and illogic and the destruction of the frog, the almighty Pi turned to the teller of incredibly good stories Scott and told him to make sense of what had occured. Scott corrected that both nut covered cheeseckaes and those covered with fruit can walk in the eternally recurring circle that is the wonder of Pi.

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Book of Scott(02:01)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 18-04-2001 12:47 PM
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Pi did finally defeat the evil logic and banished his sole to the underworld. This brought about such illogical ideas as the Cosine rule and Quaternians. This was not Pi’s original intent for the world but suffice to say he was pleased that logic was forever gone.

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Book of MattyLee (01:09)
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Matthew.Lee
Student posted 18-04-2001 02:24 PM
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The world was once again safe from the wrath of evil. Pi basked in the sunshine of his creation. All was beautiful and the little bunny rabbits came out to celebrate un-birthdays and beer.
The sun did shine and the rain itself was too scared to fall. Pi found this new peace bemusing and he began to toy with his lands.

He created Nathan the baptist who baptised all who needed baptising except those who took the evil choice of Fruit Covered Cheesecakes whom Nathan did scorn as was the word of Mojo. The baptising ran deep in all the rivers and it was eventually clear that water was too impure for the cleansing of souls. To remedy this Nathan did call upon Mojo.

Mojo came to Nathan’s homeland and said unto the world, “Do not use this polluted water as your tool. Use what you would take as my blood. Beer.” And suffice to say Beer became the holy agent of cleansing.

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Book of MattyLee (01:10)
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Paul.Rubin
Student posted 19-04-2001 02:14 PM
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Suffice to say, no one says “Suffice it to say”, because that makes absolutely no sense, and thus the Mojo did proclaim, “And Suffice to say, all those who say Suffice it to say shall be scorned in the same manner that those who eat nut-covered cheesecakes are scorned,” and thus all those who said suffice it to say were scorned in that precise manner, by all who ate fruit-covered cheesecakes, and even those who didn’t, because really, just say the phrase aloud and you’ll say that Suffice IT to say makes absolutely NO sense!!

quote:
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Book of Paul (02:05)
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